Fear (The Big Black Horse)

I remember having frequent nightmares as a child.  I'm not sure why, considering my parents closely monitored my television time, and limited my exposure to all-things "worldly".  Yet somehow my mind manufactured terrifying dreams that sent me running into my parents' bedroom for comfort. 

[ I read once that frequent childhood dreams (and nightmares) are a sign of high intelligence... I kept that article.  *smile* ]

Despite my childhood propensity for nightmares, I don't consider myself the fearful type.  Okay, so I do try to avoid heights... But other things that make most people shiver in their boots don't even phase me.  I'm not afraid of spiders or snakes or the dark.  I'm not afraid of meeting new people or needles or deep water or the dentist.  I even enjoy public speaking!

I don't consider myself a fearful person.  But sometimes fear does creep into my life, wrapping its gnarly fingers around my heart.

I'm dealing with something big in my life right now.  I'm not comfortable posting details here because this blog is open to the world.  So I'll just say this... it's BIG.  And I have to admit, I'm really scared.... 

I'm so frustrated with myself about being so afraid.  Because I know better.  I believe fear does not come from God. The Bible even says so!

Don't be afraid, for I am with you.

Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you. 

I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. (Isaiah 41, NLT)


So why am I still fighting this fear?  It's not like I want to be afraid.  I've asked God to take it from me.  I've given this situation to Him.  But despite earnest prayer and soul-searching, I can't seem to get past it.  It's like the big black horse that chased me during my childhood dreams. 

This is the kind of fear that sent me running into my parents bedroom at night.  I can't do that now though...  because I'm 34...  And my parents live in Indiana.  And I'm pretty sure running into their bedroom in the middle of the night would result in a frantic 9-1-1 call.