Fear (The Big Black Horse)

I remember having frequent nightmares as a child.  I'm not sure why, considering my parents closely monitored my television time, and limited my exposure to all-things "worldly".  Yet somehow my mind manufactured terrifying dreams that sent me running into my parents' bedroom for comfort. 

[ I read once that frequent childhood dreams (and nightmares) are a sign of high intelligence... I kept that article.  *smile* ]

Despite my childhood propensity for nightmares, I don't consider myself the fearful type.  Okay, so I do try to avoid heights... But other things that make most people shiver in their boots don't even phase me.  I'm not afraid of spiders or snakes or the dark.  I'm not afraid of meeting new people or needles or deep water or the dentist.  I even enjoy public speaking!

I don't consider myself a fearful person.  But sometimes fear does creep into my life, wrapping its gnarly fingers around my heart.

I'm dealing with something big in my life right now.  I'm not comfortable posting details here because this blog is open to the world.  So I'll just say this... it's BIG.  And I have to admit, I'm really scared.... 

I'm so frustrated with myself about being so afraid.  Because I know better.  I believe fear does not come from God. The Bible even says so!

Don't be afraid, for I am with you.

Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you. 

I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. (Isaiah 41, NLT)


So why am I still fighting this fear?  It's not like I want to be afraid.  I've asked God to take it from me.  I've given this situation to Him.  But despite earnest prayer and soul-searching, I can't seem to get past it.  It's like the big black horse that chased me during my childhood dreams. 

This is the kind of fear that sent me running into my parents bedroom at night.  I can't do that now though...  because I'm 34...  And my parents live in Indiana.  And I'm pretty sure running into their bedroom in the middle of the night would result in a frantic 9-1-1 call.

He's a Screamer

Sometime during the last two weeks, Snuggles developed an affinity for screaming.  A LOT of screaming.

Unless I'm physically holding Snuggles, he cries.  Sometimes he even cries when I'm holding him.  I sit him on the floor with his toys and balls, he cries. I put him in the bathtub (his favorite!), he cries.  I put him in the highchair to feed him, he cries between bites of food.  I can even sit with him on the floor in front of me, and he cries.  It seems like the only time the kid isn't crying, fussy, or just being all-around disagreeable is when:

1. I'm holding him
2. He's sleeping
3. There's a boob in his mouth.

And no, he's not teething.  [I have a dentist on speed dial just in case we need to order dentures.]

At first I thought Snuggles was just screaming at me.  But then the daycare told me Monday that he has been screaming at them, and in the process scaring all the other babies half to death.  He did the same thing to the babysitter who watched him at our house the other night. (Guitarman was out of town.)

Great. My son is that-kid-the-caregivers-dread-seeing-walk-in-the-door.  Craptastic.

We need to figure out why Snuggles is screaming so we can stop it.  Soon.

I did some reading on the topic last night, and I have my suspicions.  Developmentally, Snuggles has reached the stage pediatricians call "object permanence".  In other words, when something (or someone) is removed from his environment, Snuggles now recognizes that object (or person) is missing. So when Mommy leaves the room (or even looks like she might leave the room), baby is scared.  Why?  Because while he understands she is missing, he doesn't yet grasp that Mommy is coming back.  The realization that Mommy will return develops later.  [By the way, God, thanks a lot for that.]

Snuggles has been in three different daycare situations during the past month, right when he reached object permanence.  On top of the changing daycare environments, Snuggles got sick in the middle of it.  And then several new kids joined the daycare this week.  So he's in a new environment with a bunch of new kids.  I'm guessing his little 9-month-old brain is overloaded... and he just wants to be held for comfort.  I can understand why he's a little freaked out.

All the Motherhood-For-Dummies-type books assure me Snuggles' screaming will eventually stop.  If not, I'll pack his cute little butt into a flat-rate box, and ship him off to Nana. (Just kidding.)  In the meantime, I'm praying God will give me patience... and that the daycare doesn't charge Snuggles with inciting a baby-riot.

9 Month Stats

Snuggles saw the pediatrician today for his 9-month check-up.  The doctor checked him over and tested his hemoglobin.  It's all good news.  Snuggles is completely healthy and on track.

Here are his stats:

Age	Weight (lbs, oz)	Height (inches)	Head (cm)
Birth	7 lbs, 6 oz	21	14 (OUCH!)
2 weeks	6 lbs, 11 oz	21	14
1 month	9 lbs, 14.5 oz (47%)	22 5/8 (82%)	14 5/8 (24%)
2 months	11 lbs, 12.5 oz (52%)	23 (53%)	15 1/2 (35%)
4 months	14 lbs, 9 oz	26 (83%)	16 1/2 (38%)
6 months	16 lbs, 11.5 oz (34%)	26 1/2 (53%)	16 3/4 (18%)
9 months	18 lbs, 15.5 oz (24%)	28 1/2 (59%)	17 7/8 (84%)

The pediatrician gave us the go-ahead to start introducing Snuggles to more table foods, including meat.  But no dairy, peanuts or shellfish yet. Since we have a family history of allergies, we will wait on those things until after Snuggles is one year old.

The doctor asked some questions to check on Snuggles' development, and I told her he's doing really great with his fine motor skills but seems to be a little slow on the gross motor skills.  She told me Jackson is at 12 months development for some of his fine motor skills (like the pincer grasp), so he's ahead on those.  And since he stands well (assisted), he's really doing fine on gross motor as well.  She said he may skip crawling all-together, and that's fine.  We'll keep encouraging it, despite how much he hates tummy time. 

Snuggles really enjoyed entertaining the doctor today. He is a ham!  I feel blessed and grateful to God that Snuggles is happy and healthy.

9 Months Old

Snuggles is 9 months old today! Here are a some Snuggles highlights at 9 months:

• Wears size 9 months clothes.
• Sits up on his own.
• Stands when holding onto someone or something.
• Rolls from front to back, but not often.
• Although capable, he chooses not to roll back to front.
• Hates tummy time.
• Rocks on hands/knees (when assisted), but he seems to get scared if we let go.
• Scoots a small distance on his bottom by rocking back and forth.
• Shows no interest in crawling.
• When sitting on a blanket, he drags the blanket toward him to retrieve out-of-reach objects.
• Claps his hands.
• Smiles and laughs all the time
• Says "Dada, Mama, Gaga, Baba, Rara and Yaya" (It's just jabber at this point.)
• Loves balls
• Has started "throwing" objects for fun.
• Picks up food between thumb and forefinger (pincher grasp)
• Grabs anything within reach (fast hands!) 
• Likes to be outside, but does not like to sit in the grass.
• Still breastfeeding.
• Eats solids for lunch and dinner (along with breastmilk).
• Baby food he likes: apples, pears, strawberries, peaches, mangoes, and bananas (his favorite), sweet potatoes, squash, carrots, green beans. 
• Baby food he dislikes: Peas! He absolutely refuses to eat peas or anything that contains peas.
• Snacks he likes: Cheerios and Banana puffs
• Grown-up food he likes: mashed potatoes, baked yams, baked potatoes, the insides of french fries, green beans, carrots, jello, ketchup, mustard, mexican rice, small pieces of tortilla chips
• Uses a sippy cup to drink water (when he's in the mood)
• We're avoiding dairy until after he is 1 year old due to family history of allergies.
• Says "Mmm! Mmm!" insistently when he wants more food.
• Sleeps through the night, usually from about 8 p.m. to 8:30 a.m. (Thank you, God!)
• Takes a nap in the morning and afternoon
• Sleeps on his side with his arms wrapped around a blanket
• Loves music, especially when someone sings to him
• Loves to ride in the stroller and grocery cart
• Doesn't like riding in the car
• Absolutely LOVES our dog, Taco. Unfortunately, Taco doesn't share his sentiment.

Snuggles has his 9-month doctor appointment tomorrow, so I'll post his stats later this week.

Pneumonia

Well, I've been offline for a few days because Snuggles was sick. Really sick.

I blogged last week about Snuggles catching another cold, and how we had to take him to the urgent care because he refused to eat. Well, Snuggles seemed to improve last week, although he never returned to normal. The cough and congestion continued. He couldn't breastfeed well because his nose was so stuffy.

Saturday morning, Snuggles was in a bad way. He was whiny and fussy and just basically unsettled. I could tell he was uncomfortable. He seemed warm, so I took his temperature, and was surprised to find he had a fever... again!  I called Nana-Nurse, and we decided to take Snuggles back to Quick Care.

[Side note: Why does this kid insist on being sickest on the weekends?!]

The doctor at Quick Care examined Snuggles, and didn't like the sound of his cough. The doctor tested him for RSV (negative). He suspected Snuggles had developed a secondary infection in the lower respiratory tract, pneumonia.  The best way to diagnose pneumonia is to do a chest x-ray and blood work.  But the doctor said he didn't want us to have to wait for 3 hours at the hospital for an x-ray and subject Snuggles to blood work. So he prescribed an antibiotic, and told us to follow up with Snuggles' pediatrician on Monday.

Snuggles was still very sick on Sunday, with a temperature over 101.

On Monday morning, Snuggles seemed to be doing a little better, although his temp was still around 100. I took him to see his pediatrician. She examined him and said one of two things was going on:

1) Snuggles had developed pneumonia, and the antibiotic was working. If this was the case, she suspected his fever would not return.
2) Snuggles didn't have pneumonia, but had contracted a second virus that caused more congestion and coughing. If that were the case, she suspected the fever would return Monday evening and then it would be over by Tuesday.

Either way, the pediatrician instructed us to continue the antibiotic.

Snuggles' fever never returned Monday.  He made a real turn-around that afternoon, exactly 48 hours after starting the antibiotic.

So we don't really know if Snuggles had pneumonia or if he just had another nasty virus. Whatever it was, Snuggles was one sick baby.

After 12 days of illness in varying degrees, Snuggles' personality finally returned.  He was back to smiling and laughing.  I'm so thankful to see those dimples again! I'm pretty sure Snuggles' laughter is the most beautiful sound in the world.

New Daycare

Our church started a new daycare this week.  Snuggles seems to be enjoying it so far. Albre, Snuggles' former in-home caregiver, is the director of the new learning center. So Snuggles is with his friends, Lyla and Ty, and still with Albre.  That makes me happy because he is comfortable with them.

Even better news is that the new learning center uses our church facilities, so Snuggles is literally in the same building as Guitarman and on the campus with me.  It's nice that Guitarman can drop in and check on Snuggles if he wants.

I spent most of my lunch hour with Snuggles today. While nursing, he fell asleep in my arms. Guitarman joined me, and we sat there watching Snuggles sleep. Working all day makes me appreciate the time I have with Snuggles, and I'm so grateful and blessed to have a daily lunch date with him.

One of Snuggles' favorite things about the new daycare is all the new toys he has to play with. He discovered something new this week... mobility!  Here's a picture of Snuggles in the walker. He's learning how to use his feet to cruise around...

So far, Snuggles shows no interest in crawling.  He does this little rocking/scooting thing that allows him to move on his rear end just a few fractions of an inch.  Maybe the walker will motivate him to move, and he will start to crawl...

I guess I shouldn't be anxious for Snuggles to crawl.  I have a feeling once this kid gets going, he's going to be unstoppable!

Rocking-Chair-Moment

Just when you think you've got a handle on things, life comes along and takes a big, stinky, craptastic dump on you.

When life gets craptastic, and I start to obsess and worry, God has a way of reminding me that the little things in life really are the BIG things.

I had to work until 6 p.m. last night.  When I picked Snuggles up from daycare, he was a mess.  He coughed and whined, and his sweet little baby-blue eyes were red-rimmed and teary.  He skipped his afternoon nap, and I'm sure that exhaustion made his cold feel worse.  When I walked into the room, he looked at me like, "Help me, Mama!"  It broke my heart.

So when I got Snuggles home, I focused on comforting him as much as I could for the brief 1 1/2 hours we had together. When it was time for bed, I indulged in a very special treat.  I rocked Snuggles to sleep.

Since Snuggles was very small, I have tried to teach Snuggles to self soothe.  Rather than nursing him to sleep or rocking him to sleep, I've tried to put him to bed slightly awake.  It worked!  At almost-nine months old, he goes to sleep easily at night, most of the time without any fussing.  But last night I made an exception to the bedtime routine because poor, sick little Snuggles needed comforting...

And to be honest, so did I.

Snuggles and I retreated to the nursery. I dimmed the lights, and we rocked in the glider chair.  He was so sad making that little whimpering sound he only makes when he's sick. We sat in the glider, rocking.  And I sang him our song. 

(To the tune of the Brahms Lullaby)

Go to sleep [Snuggles] Boy.
Go to sleep my little baby.
Go to slee-eep. Go to sleep.
Go to sleep my [Snuggles] Boy.
You are cute.
You are sweet.
But your mama needs her sleep.
You are cute.
You are sweet.
Go to sleep [Snuggles] Boy.

I've been singing this song to Snuggles pretty much since the day he was born.  I'm not sure where the silly lyrics came from. But it works.

As we rocked in the chair, Snuggles curled up his chubby little legs, and laid his sweet head on my chest.  What he did next brought tears to my eyes.

Snuggles lifted his little head, and with his nose almost touching mine, he looked me straight in the eyes... Snuggles can't talk, but his eyes said "I love you" louder than I've ever heard those words spoken.

Snuggles turned his head, and pressed his cheek against mine.  We sat there rocking cheek-to-cheek while I sang our song.  As Snuggles drifted off to sleep, his little head slowly slipped back onto my shoulder.

It was one of the most precious, pure moments I've ever experienced in my life.

No matter how craptastic life was before, I forgot all about it in one rocking-chair-moment.  It was just Snuggles and me rocking in the chair, holding each other... sharing an intimacy that only exists between a mother and her baby. 

Life doesn't get much better than that.

Test of Momability

Every once-in-awhile I reflect on my pregnancy, and I remember how badly I felt those last few weeks before Snuggles was born.  Nevertheless, I have to admit life was easier when Snuggles was on the inside!  Last weekend caused me to once again ask myself, "Am I really capable of doing this?!"

Poor Snuggles caught a cold last week.  He got worse over the weekend to the point that he stopped eating altogether.  He drank about 4 oz. Friday at 8 p.m., but then refused to nurse or drink from a bottle.  Finally around noon on Saturday, I resorted to force-feeding him with a syringe to avoid dehydration.  He was whiny and listless, obviously uncomfortable.  I called 1-800-ASK-NANA-NURSE (a.k.a. my mom), and she advised us to take him to the urgent care clinic just to rule out an ear infection or anything else that required treatment we couldn't provide.  The clinic examined Snuggles, confirmed he had a cold, advised us to continue forcing liquids, and charged us a $20 co-pay.

Saturday tested my momability to the point of breakdown.  There is just something W-R-O-N-G about having to *force* your baby to eat. Guitarman held down Snuggles' hands while I pried Snuggles' mouth open and squirted milk down his throat with a syringe. The whole time he screamed and gurgled with tears pouring down his cheeks... He must have wondered why we were torturing him.  It was horrible!  It was all I could do to hold back my own tears.

Here's the good news: Snuggles turned a corner late Saturday evening, and he started drinking milk from a bottle.  He's doing better now.  He still has a nasty cough, and although he is still too congested to nurse, at least he is eating again and on the mend.  The bad news is, Snuggles gave me his cold. I was in bed all afternoon yesterday with greasy-grimy-gopher-guts. 

Okay, so get this... They weighed Snuggles at the clinic on Saturday, and he weighed 18 pounds, 15 oz.  That means he has gained almost 3 pounds since his 6 month appointment. I was a little surprised he wasn't heavier. It seems like Snuggles is growing like a weed!

I can't believe I've made it almost 9 months as Snuggles' mom.  I guess that proves Philippians 4:13 is true.